It's been a hard journey but I keep trying and as far as I see this is all I can do. I fell again to the unplanned, overly dramatic re-lapse. The way it crept up was frightening but the way it escalated into chaos was even beyond my understanding. I know a great deal about the disease of alcoholism but knowledge means nothing when the disease takes a person. I'm not going into details or giving any excuses as there are none but I will say that I've grown stronger with each and every relapse. I feel that, with the grieving controlled and a new positive outlook, I can finally face the demons. Positive? Yes. Complacent? No. With the news of another fellow addict and friend dying, coinciding with another months spell in rehab, I'm beyond fearing what this disease can do. I know what it can do and I know what to do to keep it at bay. I just have to get on and do it this time.
I will be posting more regularly now about recovery matters but for today I have a little poem. It was from the day I entered rehab for what I hope and pray is the last time. I had no words to describe how I was feeling and I felt wronged (rightly or wrongly) but the overriding feeling was sadness and shame at letting my family and friends, those who really do care, down once again. I'm back, see you soon!!
'Where do you begin to apologise when sorry ain't enough? It's worthless just recounting how I've had it tough.
Stuff that others overcome intensify in me, those things that may seem ordinary overwhelm me to my knees.
Only Time, The Healer, can bring you all to see, I strive to do what's best for you, ignite the light in me.
For now the only thing I have is the love you have, I see. The trust has left, the blood's been shed so now let me be free.
To prove my love through actions where words now cease to be.'