I don't know where to start this evening but I'm just going to write a little and see where it takes me. I'm at the hardest point that I've experienced in my recovery right now. I had an altercation with my psychiatrist after my hospitalisation for dehydration and kidney failure. It was a weird time and he kept reminding me that I could have died (I figured as a nurse ending up in intensive care that I knew it was serious!), yet did very little other than send me for more blood tests to tell me that my liver and kidneys were fine (that was the first thing I checked when I left hospital), accuse me of taking 'party drugs' despite negative drug tests (yawn!) and cut my meds out instantly until I was on nothing, not even the anti-depressant that had kept me going for many a year. This made me cross but what did I do? Nothing. I fell out with him and decided that I could do it alone. Sober, drug free and prescription drug free! I didn't even wait to argue my case. But that's me, I've been known to be a little passive-aggressive at times.
The thing is, whatever I think about him as a professional, I let myself down with my stubbornness to even do this without any meds at all. It wasn't a wise choice and over the last month or two I have slumped to the point where all the old resentments and sadness flowed back and I can't bring myself to leave the house sometimes. I'm terrified of relapsing because I know I can't drink and when I do it always ends in disaster. I don't have long left on this planet if I take that route but I've even had thoughts like 'so what if I do die, if I have to live like this then what's the point?' That's not helpful to me or anyone close to me. Then I think that I am still managing to hand in and succeed at my college assignments, I'm searching for jobs with leads on charity projects which will give me more income, I have a nice home with a great housemate and I live in Cape Town! All this stuff is good but why do I still feel like all hope has just drained out of my body?!
I thought it was when I expected too much of myself and didn't succeed that it brought me down but it's not that. It's because I'm not letting myself succeed and that familiar failure feeling is kind of comfortable with someone like me! That's why I'm an alcoholic, it was always easier that way, there was a meaning to drinking, an excuse, if you like to call it that?!
So, I'm off to the GP's tomorrow to get back on my anti-depressants because now I know it wasn't just the alcohol that was bringing me to my knees, I do suffer from Depression too. That's not a surprise, nor do I see it as a weakness. Watch this space, and let's see what the next month has in store for the alcoholfreeme.com?