The idea that losing something dear to you can be a blessing in the long run is a hard one to get your head around when you're stuck in that place when it seems that your life has finally finished falling apart and you're left standing amongst the rubble of it all, locked in anger, resentment and genuine grief for the seemingly un-healable condition, that everything you have lived for before, is in.
It's something I think about a lot because when I came to Cape Town three and a half years ago, I was in that exact position and though I was aware of the concept of things happening for a reason, the reality of that was lost on me because, despite a strong faith, things were just crap and no one could tell me otherwise because they were, that was my reality. The fact that as an addict I had caused most of my downfall and pain was no consolation at all, it just increased the anger and perceived unfairness of it all because I didn't mean it to end this way. My marriage had ended and my father had died unexpectedly and I was thrown in to a world of sobriety in a rehabilitation facility where I was told to sit with my feelings and try to make some sense of it all. That to me was impossible and initially I did what I'd done for decades, I drank, then I tried again. Then I drank more and then I tried again. A combination of people chipping away at me and me chipping away at myself brought about some sort of miraculous change. The idea that all was lost slowly, over a period of 18 months or more, became diluted and the spark that a future might be possible somehow returned.
I have shit days, everybody does. It's not a bed of roses and difficult life stuff doesn't simply disappear once we get clean and sober. The difference now is that I can get through these days without picking up a drink and once that is done, the day ends and I sleep. I wake up the next day and if that's shit, I do the same until it stops being shit. It always does and I carry on enjoying life. My life is full now, my relationship status no longer defines the person I am. I can be equally happy on my own as in a relationship with someone and that is a healthy way to live. I have come through a breakup of a good relationship and although it was sad and I don't fully understand everything about why it happened, I handled it with my dignity intact and no extra hurt caused towards her which is a result of sorts. In the past I would have entered that spiral of drinking and anger that ultimately kills everything I'm working towards. I am confident in my work. I no longer have constraints in the workplace where I must conform to other people's ideas. If I feel I must change something, I change it. There are no boundaries to what I can achieve any longer, I just follow my heart and try to be a good human being and that's really all it takes in a nutshell. I don't need to seek people out, chasing that high that never comes and always ends in disaster because I have a great circle of friends and a supportive family. If you want to discover what its like to enjoy things you thought were gone for good then visit my website and we will find a suitable treatment for you. My life is essentially manageable now and that is only down to the alcoholfreeme.com