Johnny Cash sang a song called 'Hurt', I believe it was about Heroin but that's not my point, although as I write that I think of one of my close friends who I was in rehab with. She'd got a years cleantime behind her and she is the most loveable character you are likely to meet. I believe that she has relapsed after returning to the UK. I want her to come back here and
I want to see her glowing as she was in her final days here in South Africa. It doesn't matter about resources, just an air ticket, the rest we can all find a way, even if that is just a sofa to sleep on. This is what happens and it happens to the vast majority of addicts. I'm one of the five per cent who manage nearly a year clean but
I cannot take that for granted and as I said yesterday, I thank God every day that I've got through without a drink.
Anyway, as the picture above says, our perception of people hurting us is often wrong. This time last year my perception of absolutly anything was wrong. I can't even bear to think about where I was mentally and the destruction that that caused. I felt hurt because I was hurting. Hurting more than I ever had in my life, this keeps me sober along with the fact that I cannot bear to hurt people I love anymore. This time last year was so bad I find it hard to comprehend. I don't know what happened during a two week alcohol binge, drinking to sleep and sleeping to drink! I didn't eat, didn't wash and ended up looking like a tramp. My Mum even wrote to her friends (she needed support as it was destroying her too) and I remember reading the e-mail. It said that she didn't know if I wanted to live anymore (and I couldn't disagree). She is an optimistic, practical, realist and for her to say that is as bad as it gets without me actually being dead. I always shy away from making it all dramatic. It wasn't glamourous and it wasn't fun (lots of things happened in those two weeks, most of it I will never know).
The turn around in a year has been unbelievable as I said yesterday. I had no strength or understanding what was happening to me yet I was kept safe alone and very drunk in Cape Town. That has to be for a reason and I got stronger and stronger as the weeks and months went on and here I am today happy and sober.
The hurt thing is very hard for me because I was extremely hurt that my wife left me, regardless of the reasons. I was understandably hurt because of the circumstances, as anyone would be. My problem was that I perceived the hurt that I was feeling as a direct and deliberate attack by her so my anger was focused on her. She's never been to blame. The only thing I can even be justified in being angry is her relationship going on way before we were divorced. Technically that was wrong but it's just clutching at straws because in the same way as thinking she was out to hurt me (which hurts me!), the marriage was over and me thinking about stuff like this only hurts me. I have to just let it all go, and I am doing that now. I think I will known always as the one that destroyed the marriage and quite rightly. If I was a good husband she wouldn't have gone elsewhere rather than seeing me through this laborious process (I think that's factual but I don't even know that. I know very little about the 6 year relationship!! I remember the wedding, it was fun!). My point is that perceived hurt becomes very real. If you think someone is deliberately hurting you then you inevitably feel that hurt even if the person is not doing anything. That's it, there's been a lot of hurt over the last year whether it be perceived or real. Last Christmas was a nightmare, I'm looking forward to this Christmas as the alcoholfreeme.com