It's easy to be a synic when things aren't going well, when internal pain is eating you up. You are in such a dark place that you cannot bring yourself to believe in a higher power of any kind. If there is, why do you suffer at the hands of such a cruel and destructive disease? All I know is that a year ago I never imagined that anything or anyone could pull me out of my entrenchement, the hole that was my self, my being. I felt the reason to live had left me, I described the mental tournament as totally joyless, never even getting a second away from the pain. No respite, not even for a minute. Just living without drinking took up all of my available resources. The emptyness inside physically hurt when I breathed, I was lost, trying to make sense of it all. Why am I having to understand why two of my closest people had been taken from me (wife and father) when I couldn't even understand what was going on with me? The point is that during all that time, although my faith obviously waned, it never left me. Everyday I thank God for getting through the day without picking up a drink. Simple. I didn't believe this stuff about recovery having it's rewards, it sounded boring not being able to drink again but many have tried and all have failed. But alcohol was so destructive to everything around me. I alienated my wife to the extent that she was frightened to live with me, unsure of when my next out burst would be. She required councilling herself. All of this makes me feel shameful of course but it shows the extent of it all. I liken it to a hurricane destroying absolutely everything in its path. It was all just about me and my relationship with alcohol and seeking out ways and means to sustain that relationship 24 hours a day. No wonder there was no room left for anyone else! It's sad, it's in the past and everyone is repairing those collapsed buildings. My life, even in the space of a year has turned full circle. It's incredible. I passed my first term back at college which I wasn't entirely sure that I had the brain capacity to do after 20 years of heavy drinking! I have amazing friends and I'm living in the best city in the world, all in a relatively short space of time. My higher power, my God, never left me, I left him for a bit. He was desperately waiting for my return so he could give me these gifts of recovery. My faith is stronger than ever before and I love my life as the alcoholfreeme.com
Believe this below, I was the biggest cynic at the beggining when I'd just got sober. I had no choice, I couldn't control my own life without destroying myself. I wouldn't be here today writing this if It wasn't for my strong faith, reliant on my higher power.
NA Just For Today
November 29, 2012
Our Higher Power’s Care
“We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us.”
Basic Text pg. 55
Our program is based on the idea that the application of simple principles can produce profound effects in our lives. One such principle is that, if we ask, our Higher Power will care for us. Because this principle is so basic, we may tend to ignore it. Unless we learn to consciously apply this spiritual truth, we may miss out on something as essential to our recovery as breathing is to life itself.
What happens when we find ourselves stressed or panicked? If we have consistently sought to improve our relationship with our Higher Power, we’ll have no problem. Rather than acting rashly, we will stop for a moment and briefly remind ourselves of particular instances in the past when our Higher Power has shown its care for us. This will assure us that our Higher Power is still in charge of our lives. Then, we will seek guidance and power for the situation at hand and proceed calmly, confident that our lives are in God’s hands.
Just for today: I will seek to improve my conscious contact with the Higher Power that cares for me. When the need arises, I know I will be able to trust in that care.
November 29, 2012