I recently handed in an assignment which I based on Alcoholic's who are prescribed anti-depressants which was quite annoying and made me explore myself more (I think even I will concede that I really did not need that just at the moment as it's a bit of a struggle!). But that and the change in medication ,that I am experiencing now is the reason, and why it's probably the reason that I wanted to know more. Before you look to the end, there is no exact answer and I hate stuff like that! I normally like the assignment thing to just be a bit factual, a bit of study time in the library and job done! If I'm honest, I wished that I'd picked another topic, something a bit simpler like Post Natal Depression or something. (And before anyone gets upset I know it's a real thing and it's horrible, I'm just saying it's short term and treatable. Had to say that, and put that comma in to calm their breathing, as once someone starts to read a blog they stick on one point and they're anti-you immediately which don't really help the cause!). People who read blogs are either very pro-you or anti-you, it doesn't really matter to me which it is to be honest, that's freedom of speech! They decide what they think and they give their opinion based on that. That's what I want and I'm very pro freedom of speech even in blogs! (Topical even!). The subject is so ambiguous even having researched it though! You ask a GP if they should prescribe anti-depressants to a patient whom they suspect is an alcoholic and they'd probably say no, but how do you know if the patient doesn't tell you? Just before I faced my illness, I went into my GP's to ask for help with my alcoholism and came out with anti-depressants and a leaflet about reducing drinking (now I don't remember what I told him , which was part of my point but it didn't help me or my wife who were desperately seeking answers and my drinking was certainly far beyond the 'reducing' phase!). So you have patient history, how long they've been on what, and factors such as the patients simply not remembering the name of the medication or not being honest about their drinking.
Once I got to rehab well over 18 months ago, you could say that with better provision things may have been different but when I think about it I don't see how it could? Stuff was already said and done and no amount of fixing would give me that life back so I had to start over and in a way, I think it made it easier me coming to South Africa and I think, against the advice of my parents, I had to just get away. This is only in hindsight and what I've been thinking about today, but before I go into that I'll explain why the anti-depressant thing is so relevant or I probably won't and just cover it anyway! Apart from the fact that I was in intensive care and people keep telling me that I was close to death which is interesting but not very moving to me. Just what would be different, I've found what I've been searching for all my life and that is an answer to my question about 'what the fuck was wrong with me?'. I was trapped inside this madness in which I managed to get engaged and married and no-one was any the wiser about my drinking, how did that actually come about?! I have no excuses for the people I've hurt but it kind of all makes sense now especially repeating the same mistakes and doing the same things over, that fucking hurt me, I didn't want it! I'm happy that there's no lasting damage there and that those affected will be ok. Anyway, that was it, my epiphany if you want, the answer to all this confusion and stress locked inside my head for not even years but decades! If I was to die tomorrow I'd be happy that at least I had a reason for the way I'd acted over the years. I think that's a peace that I've being crying out for and a reason that no one ever came up with. We asked for answers for twenty years and we got nothing despite our efforts. I truly think that my family and my Dad will agree with me on this, I needed it! I was locked away in institutions, sectioned twice and arrested a few times along the way (I hope soon we will be able to reveal more as the facts are vague in my head, maybe I'll never remember, I don't really care to be honest?!). How are we as a family meant to deal with that? When my worst life experience ever - I was left desperate in a room after going from 50 DF118's a day to absolutely nothing?! That's not treatment in anyone's world, not even mine! It's beyond 'cold turkey' if anyone knows what that's like?........Again, that's for another day.
This is an unedited Facebook message I sent to a close friend this evening. I liked the words, even though they were mine.
'Of course there is, I could always be your back up just in case my next date on 'fuckingweirdos.com' doesn't work out :-)? Be cool mate, I'm ok really. We have ups n downs, it's life, trust me! And its the 39 year old me saying that! I've asked the same questions every day but its taken me 20 years to work out what the fuck is wrong with me. Please take it easy on yourself and your family. Let's see what life has in hold for us hey? Your Dad reminded me very much of my Dad in his manner. I wished I'd learnt from him how to just be humble and loved by everyone without fucking everyone over within whatever radius I chose to have or whatever shop I could get to or to anything that didn't make me feel! (I've just stolen my own line for my blog!). I miss my Dad and my Mum is amazing how she's dealt with it. I have my nieces so I'm happy. Just don't tell your Dad it's ok and then let him down for 15 or so years. It ain't worth it, trust me, I'm a nurse :-)!'
And that's me done for the day, it's ok we've all got mates even the alcoholfreeme.com